We Plot, Not Plan

I really want to add 'of doom' to that, but it's not really of doom...

It's hard, to make a clean break from someone who took up so much of your life. Maybe I'm hesitant to make friendships, maybe I hold myself back, because I've been burned so many times in the past.

I've been told that I give, and give, and give, until there's nothing left of me to give, and then the person I've given it all to, turns around and slaps me in the face. People say I'm too trusting, and maybe I am, but I'm also not. Because I watch people, and try to guard my heart from them, try to guard myself.

One of my most meaningful relationships is with someone I've only ever met online - she gets me. I don't have to explain things to her, I don't have to try and pretend I'm okay. (And maybe I don't have to pretend with other people, but I do, I don't necessarily mean to, but I do.) She's become an anchor, in many ways, because she's there, online when she can be, and when I have breakdowns to her via chat, she keeps saying that she wishes that she could do more, that she wasn't just a voice on the other side of a screen. But just /having that voice/, means to much. Having someone who gets it, who I can vent to, who will just listen, and will offer what little advice she has, and /try/. I can't explain thing properly to my parents, they seem to think I should get myself out of 'cyberworld', but how can I, when the one friendship I'm totally sure about outside of my family and husband is in that world? How do I separate myself from something that's started to become so integral to my ability to function?

I worry when she's not on, I worry when she doesn't seem as okay as she says. I feel shit, because I'm not as good at reading things and seeing connections as she is, because I can only try to feedback on the wonderful things she writes, and I never do them justice.

For all everyone says that I'm smart, I'm really not. I'm as dumb as anything, I really am. I fucked up my degree, and I feel like I fucked up all the friendships I had that turned on me. And I thought I'd got over that, but apparently I hadn't. Apparently its still there, in the back of my mind, niggling away, and I don't know what to do about that. I go into work, and I smile, and pretend that I'm on top of thing when really, I feel like I'm drowning, feel like something's going to go wrong, even when I know there's nothing to go wrong.

I don't even know what I'm doing any more. I feel disconnected, and being home at the weekend helped, kind of, but at the same time... My parents told me I needed to disconnect from one of the places I feel connected, and that's not something I'm able to do. And maybe it's selfish, that I want to keep that connection but I'm not sure what I'd do if I lost it.

Rugby helps, it does, it gives me something to focus on, something to get my stress out with. I'm not good at it, and I know I'm not, I try, but I'm not a runner, I'm not an athlete.

And sometimes I still want to die, still think that everyone would be better off without me around, one way or another. Logic tells me they wouldn't be, that they'd miss me, they'd mourn me, they'd wonder how they didn't see what was coming, but at the same time, I know they'd eventually get over it. My husband would find someone else to love, someone who isn't such a mess of issues and dysfunctionality, my parents and sister would find ways to move on, they'd survive, they'd thrive. Sometimes, I don't know why they even bother with me. Any of my friends or family, because I need reassurance, I'm more tactile than is possibly normal - seeking out hugs and contact when I should be letting other people be in peace. I try not to, but its hard.

Character Balance Sheet

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Title: Currently Untitled
Author: LadyOfScorel
Word Count: 858
Prompt(s): Written for Cotton Candy Bingo Prompt: Meal
Notes: Original Work. Same world as Questions That Must Be Asked – Carson is Jen from that.
Summary: A meal started by the news that one of their number hasn’t eaten for a while.

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Title: Questions That Must Be Asked
Author: LadyOfScorel
Word Count: 570
Prompt(s): Written for Cotten Candy Bingo Prompt: Wonder
Notes: Original Work, not quite ‘wonder’, but it sort of applies to Jen/Jay’s reaction. (There is a reason why there’s two names there…it is not explained in this). There is a period of angst in the middle of this that is then rather rapidly resolved and turns into fluff again.
Summary: Well, Tom needed someone stood with him when the woman he loved finally married him. Jen just can’t quite believe it’s her.

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Title: I'm Looking To The Sky To Save Me
Author: LadyOfScorel
Word Count: 1204
Prompt(s): Written for Cotten Candy Bingo Prompt: Wings
Notes: Original Work – this comes from a work called ‘The Carnival Queen’. Title is from the Foo Fighters ‘Learn To Fly
Summary: Mara needs to learn how to fly. Corinne can’t teach her, and Trick only knows one way how.

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